Better Living through Chemistry

For people who have never suffered depression, you don’t know what you are missing. The inability to function in every day events such as doing simple things like housework or even wanting to go to work is one of the many symptoms. The biggest symptom for me is the “Big Black Cloud.” I become a giant lump. Nothing seems a viable option to want to participate in. I just want to curl up in my big overstuffed chair, cover myself with my warm fuzzy purple blanket and either nap or stare out to nothingness. When I’m in one of those “black clouds” periods, I do nothing for hours on end. Over the years, I’ve tried various drugs that treat depression. And, none of them have worked. Ok, maybe for a brief time for the first two or three weeks but after that nothing, nada.

I just found a new prescriber; this is a person with specific medical training in mental health that has the ability to write prescriptions. This new prescriber is amazing. She has a good grasp of the various depression type drugs available and what they can and can’t do. Since starting with her in October, she has put me on different drugs to find the right one for me. Finally, one worked and it took a few weeks to find the right dosage.

The “Big Black Cloud” has now headed out to the Atlantic. I am interested in participating in life again. It is just so wonderful. I want to do things like housework; vacuuming, dusting, laundry, keeping the house organized and so on. I’ve found I am more productive at work. I’ve been able to organize my thoughts and follow through on what needs to be done to complete an assigned task without freaking out. What a change that is.

Over Winter Break from school, I've started and completed a number of different projects. The biggest one is the kitchen closet. It is an odd little space that was created so there would be enough head room to go down the basement stairs without ducking. The closet door is at the opposite end of where the basement door is located. The floor of the closet comes up to my hips. The previous uses were as a coat closet or shelving. Unfortunately, the shelves were not installed correctly and the dry wall couldn’t hold up the L-shaped frames that were being used. One shelf was in a precarious condition and could have collapsed. Well, I decided to fix that situation. I mean how hard could it be?

After emptying out the closet I found a tiny bit of mold. Yuck! So that would require me to buy a product called “Kilz” which acts as a barrier for those pesky things to not grow. Meaning the entire closet space had to be painted with it to keep the mold away. But first, I had to remove the shelves. Well in doing that, I created two fist-size holes that had to be repaired and patched. And of course, I needed some type of shelves that would not bring the whole wall down.

I found everything I needed at Lowe’s except the shelves. So off I went on the great shelf search. Well, Lady Luck was on my side and I found the perfect shelves at my first stop and of all places it was at Target. And yes, I used my credit card instead of my debit card.

So it is now Thursday evening and this is how my closet project is coming along. The bookcase that I’m using for shelving has now been put together with a little bit of drama. I ended up putting two boards upside down and it took a while for me to figure out what I had done.

The two patches were installed and sat for 48 hours to do their drying thing. The “Kilz” was applied and did its drying thing as well. The new paint is now on the walls and the wooden floor of the closet. And, I decided to paint the inside of the door as well. Then I decided to paint the outside door frame the same bright yellow as the closet. That was a very bad idea. In the near future, like tomorrow, I plan to paint the frame back to its original color.

So this posting started out about my black depression and ended up about a bright yellow closet that I painted myself. Now, that is progress.

Chloe and Thunderstorms!

Poor Chloe, she knows hours before the thunderstorms hit. I checked and the National Weather Service in Taunton has issued a Severe Thunderstorm Watch for our county until 1:00 a.m. Thursday morning. It's going to be a long night. At this point she is panting, pacing, making very sad sounds, and has already checked out the bathroom that has the ceramic flooring and has tried to dig her hole, same tile every single time. She will move the bathroom rug covering the tile before she starts digging. I've always thought that was very considerate of her. Well, here is comes, though Chloe could of told you hours ago. Really who needs the National Weather Service?

Thank goodness...I'm in!

I just spent several hours trying to get into my blog because I ignored an email from AdSense saying I had to agree to their new terms by May 23rd or I couldn't access my blog. Well today, May 25th, two days passed the deadline, I tried and they were right, I couldn't access my beloved blog. I'm not at all technically savvy and I had quite a time getting through the steps to re-register my account with AdSense.

By the way, in all the years I've had it, I've made a total of $1.56 which isn't within their range to consider even sending me a check. This means no one is reading my blog except me and my one friend in California. Which is so sad. But thank goodness for my one loyal reader! There is hope that maybe I might get to two loyal readers someday, who knows?

But the most important accomplishment of my day is I now have access again to my blog. And, the second most important thing I did today was get text messaging added to my iPhone. I went to the AT&T store in Northampton and wonderful JR besides adding texting to my account, patiently answered all my questions about my iPhone 4. Which after 2 1/2 years of having it, I should know more then the basics. Remember, earlier I did mention that I'm not technically savvy. But besides texting capabilities I now have access to the iCloud which sounds wonderful, if I only knew what that meant.

Cheers!

So funny...what a hoot!

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter, there were ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

The Donkey and the Deep Well!

I found this on Facebook today. What a message about will power and believing there is always a way out of even the deepest of holes!

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.

You have two choices... smile and close this page,
or pass this along to someone else to share the lesson .

An Ode to Potter

It is amazing how a moment in time changes your life and you think your memory will always remember it. This is true in a sense, but over time the incident or individual involved recedes and it doesn’t make you as sad or crazy on a daily basis. I had forgotten this whole saga full of heartbreak and angst but a recent song tripped the memory bank. It was Taylor Swifts “I Knew You Were Trouble” from her album “Red.”

Back when I was 18, I met this guy who I thought was my “first true love.” What a laugh. I may have thought that he was “it” but he didn’t. He was juggling two others at the same time we were seeing/dating/sleeping together. When I mentioned that I thought we were in a mutually exclusive relationship his comment was something about the fact that I wasn’t a virgin so I shouldn’t expect that type of relationship. Oh my gosh what an ass! With that said I dated him on and off for years. What was I thinking?

My parents told me on a regular basis that I was major trouble and the root cause of everything that happened either to them or to our family which wasn't true. Due to their behavior I began to believe that I was a major failure. Pretty heavy burden for a kid to feel that way. Unfortunately, I didn’t grow up as a confident individual that would have had the strength to drop kick this guy permanently out of my life. “I knew you were trouble when you walked in, shame on me” is a great line from Taylor's song.

At the age of 18, I had no belief in myself that anyone would ever want me in their life. I thought I was lucky that this guy was even interested in me. Three ex-husbands later would prove differently.

New Year's Resolutions

I find interesting quotes or comments from authors unknown and just keep them. Today while cleaning out last year's clutter I found this. I like it because I can take one "just" at a time to dwell and follow through on. This is called “Just for Today” and the author is unknown.

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not set far-reaching goals to try to overcome all my problems at once. I know I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will try to be happy. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” He was right. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. I will chase them out of my mind and replace them with happy thoughts.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is. I will face reality. I will try to change those things I can change, and accept those things that I cannot change.

Just for today I will try to improve my mind. I will not be a mental loafer. I will force myself to read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do a good deed for somebody—without letting them know it. (If they find out I did it, it won’t count.) I will do at least two things that I know I should do but have been putting off. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk softly, act courteously and speak ill of no one. Just for today I’ll not try to improve anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it, thereby saving myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour to relax alone. During this time I will reflect on my behavior and I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. I will gather the courage to do what is right and take the responsibility for my own actions. I will expect nothing from the world, but I will realize that as I give to the world, the world will give to me.

It's my spleen...

Whew...dodged that one! I found out that "The Critter" is just my partially atrophied spleen. This damage was caused by a childhood accident when I was seven. What a relief! I cannot begin to describe how elated I was upon hearing the news.

When my doctor called and told me all I kept saying over and over was "you've made my day." He said he liked my heart felt response since there are more times then not that the news he is calling about isn't good.

I've decided that my spleen will now be called "the good critter." Well on to the next chapter. My hearing has decreased greatly and I am going to need surgery to correct it. I find out next week when that will be. I much rather have the surgery than a hearing aid. Wouldn't you?

CAT Scan Approved!

It only took ten days for an approval! The appointment is already scheduled for tomorrow, Friday, November 30th at 1:45 p.m. It is a relief to move on to the next step in this journey of mine.

A Deer Sighting in Northampton!

On my way to work this morning, I was given a gift from God. Four deer crossed Rt. 66 (the road we live on, plus it is the route I take to Smith), I slowed down because I've heard that if there is a group of them there usually are more. Three more came over the hill but they were scared by my presence, that they ran into tall grass and I scooted passed them.

I'm so blessed to have see this awesome moment in time! Made my day!!

The Dogs in my Life!

Good Morning! This morning’s subject is about the three dogs that own Mary and I. They are Chloe, a Eurasier, Fast Eddie, a Puggle and Chancey, a Scottish Terrier.

The morning routine for them goes like this. When getting them up in the morning, Fast Eddie is a slug and has to be pushed off the bed while the other two cooperate without problems. They all need their collars put on and for the boys harnesses as well. One of us has to chase Fast Eddie through the house to corner him to get his collar and harness on. Then there is getting them out the door and into the car. Fast Eddie must be put on a leash or he takes off and he doesn’t come back in a timely fashion. The other two know to just climb into the car. Then Mary takes them to a park near our home for a 30-minute walk.

Once they come home they might need to be washed off depending on what muck they got into. Fast Eddie and Chloe both love rolling around where there is deer poop! Then once in the house feeding time begins. The whole time it takes me to prepare their breakfast, Fast Eddie is sitting under the kitchen table making a sound that sounds like steam coming out of a radiator because he's anxiously waiting for his meal.

Ok, the food bowls are ready to go down on the floor! Fast Eddie’s goes down first on the kitchen floor. Chancey’s eats in the living and Chloe eats in the guest bedroom. This entire food arrangement is to keep Fast Eddie from eating their food as well, which is another whole story in itself. Meaning I’m running from one area to another to make sure that Fast Eddie behaves himself.

Chancey is now done eating and needs to go out for his after meal jaunt in the front yard. Fast Eddie likes to follow to see if Chancey does a poop. I won’t even begin to tell you what Fast Eddie does with that!

Now it is time for me to get ready for work and I have already spent too much time on the dogs. Oh yes, as I leave the house each dog has to have their individual blankets draped over them and they are each given a treat. I tell them “I’ll see you in a little while” which means I’m returning home at noon time to let them out, give them treats, cover them up again etc. etc. This is just a glimpse into how the two adult are wrapped around the paws of their three dogs!

"The Critter" Saga Continues

Well, I took a big step today and sent e-mail to my supervisor telling her the situation about the "mass."

Here is what I wrote: "A couple of weeks ago my knee "blew" and I went to the knee doctor. At the time, I was also complaining of sharp back pain. The decision was made to take a x-ray of my spine. Well, a mass was discovered in my stomach cavity. Due to issues with Harvard Pilgrim and Thanksgiving the CAT scan approval has been delayed. Hopefully I can have the CAT scan in the next day or two. As things develop, I will keep you in the loop. I am telling my work-study students what is going on as they might have to cover additional office hours. Ticket sales for the Winter shuttle starts this coming Monday, December 3rd so office coverage is definitely needed. Believe it or not, I am quite calm about this situation. I have faith that this isn't as serious as it sounds."

So folks, the saga of "the critter" continues. I will keep all of you informed as things progress. Cheers!

The Critter

The story continues about the “mass” found in my stomach cavity. Harvard Pilgrim will not approve the CAT scan request if it comes from my orthopedic surgeon’s office. So they are now trying to reach my primary care physician (PCP). I called their office myself and begged for assistance. I know I got that person’s attention when I called the mass “the critter” and she laughed. I also mentioned that I wanted this issue resolved before Christmas since that is my birthday. She gave me reassurance that this would get resolved.

Mary and I’ve finally decided that we are going to Paris over spring break. The Paris trip will be my “carrot” to get through whatever the future holds about what “the critter” really is. Life is what you make it and I want to go to Paris! More later...

My life changed at 12:50 p.m. on Monday, November 19, 2012

This is when I received a phone call from my orthopedics’ physician assistant. The previous Monday, my right knee “blew” and it started to swell. Anyone who has ever battled bad knees knows that swelling can be fluid build-up and needs to be taken care of. I also was experiencing a sharp pain in my lower back. Upon hearing this, she ordered an x-ray of my spine.

She noted something odd on the x-ray but at the time dismissed it as nothing serious. Upon further reflection she reviewed the x-ray and noticed that the spot was some sort of mass in my stomach cavity. Of course, once I heard this I went to the extreme and thought of cancer.

So the next step is a CAT scan and then we go from there. Because of the Thanksgiving holiday approval from my health insurance hasn't happened yet. I have such a wonderful life with Mary and I will fight whatever I have, because I want to grow very old with her. As I get updates, I will let you all know what is happening.

Thanksgiving 2012

We had a wonderful day yesterday. We invited five Smithies over for Thanksgiving and it was a blast! Two were from China, two from India and one was from Wisconsin. Mary out did herself with cooking up a feast.

With a 19 lb. turkey, home-made mash potatoes and stuffing, sweet potatoes, a cranberry chutney (made from scratch), plus green and yellow waxed beans it was quite a meal. Plus, we had two pies, an apple and pumpkin. Both were made by the Ultimate Frisbee Club at Smith. And, the pies were a big hit! Mary only purchased one can of whip cream and I was worried there wouldn't be any for me. It worked out fine and there is still some in the can, I checked!

After dinner and before dessert, we played a card game called “May I?” I haven’t played it in years so my explanation on how to play was a little hard to follow, which was fine, because I was the winner with the lowest score! We’ve invited all five of our guests back to dinner because it was such a wonderful experience. Cheers!

I'm back, again!

Well is has been months, almost seven, since I last wrote in my blog. Life so gets in the way that taking time to be creative to write is never an easy task. So here we are, tighten your safety belt and hang on for dear life! I went to Lowe’s this past Sunday to return an item that we didn’t need in the first place, so why did I buy it? That is so another whole conversation. I promised Mary that I would return the item and not do any additional shopping. Well, that didn’t happen. I blame Lowe’s for that. The Return counter was closed so I had to enter the store and go to Customer Service. Along the way I saw all sorts of Christmas holiday goodies. So I returned an item for $36 dollars and turned around and charged $39 instead! Some of the items were just plain tacky, what was I thinking? So I’m going back to Lowe’s to return those items. I wonder what I’ll get this time. Oh, one of the items I purchased was one of those small decorative flags. This one says “Got Turkey” with a big fat bird on it. Well, have a wonderful Thanksgiving and don’t eat too much! Cheers!

What's going on?

My last two posting aren't showing the paragraph breaks I put in. Why???????????????????????????????????????

My New Tooth!

Today, April 27, 2012, will be one of those days that I will celebrate for the rest of my life. A new anniversary date! This goes with all of the other special anniversary days in my life. Yearly, I celebrate the first time Mary and I spoke on the phone, the first time we met, the date I purchased my house, the date of my last divorce from ex-husband #3, the last emergency surgery for Fast Eddie and on and on. Be aware that I also name possessions: Sami the Refrigerator, Curtis the Stove, Adie the Dishwasher, Jamie the Bike and of course Pixie, my car! Go figure. But today I received my new front tooth implant. And she looks awesome but she will not be named! Some things just shouldn’t be named…if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, back to my tooth. I was told in January 2006, that my front tooth had to be removed. After two failed root canals, there wasn’t any other option but to pull it. Let me tell you, I fought that idea of losing my front tooth! But in December of 2010, the pain was so bad that I had no choice. So on December 23, 2010, two days before my 57th birthday, I had it pulled. The original plan was that I would take a Valium a hour before the extraction and then get Novacaine. “Novacaine is an anesthetic from the cocaine family (N17 H21 NO4). It goes to the neurotransmitters of the body and blocks the synapses between nerve endings. That makes it impossible for the pain signal to be transported via the nerve.” Well, those plans quickly changed, I walked in and saw the tray of tools that were going to be used to remove my tooth. So for a not so meager price of $375, I was knocked out. Because it was a front tooth, I had to have a bone graph during the procedure which takes six months to heal. I was given a flapper (temporary tooth that comes out nightly). The next step was to drill into the jaw and put a “drum.” It takes about six months to heal and then a special screw is installed inside the tube. That takes about a month or two and then the new tooth is installed. So with some hiccups along the way and there were several, 16 months and 4 days later I am the proud owner of a new tooth! The diva in me is so thrilled; this is definitely a date worth celebrating every year!

Here at Smith there has been a higher than normal level of tensions over racist and homophobic behavioral. A student received two anonymous hateful notes placed under the door of her house in the last month or so. It amazes me that the writer of those hateful notes would do it once much less twice! Of course, Smith is in the process of investigating these two episodes. But why should they? In a perfect world, the individual writing these notes would realize from all the Facebook and Tumblr activity that they need to "own up" to their behavior and come forward. That acting anonymously in the long run doesn't help the individual or the school as a whole to grow and move forward and as a result we all remain stuck in the moment. I am a white college educated female with three ex-husbands and at the age of 49 I realized that cats and men weren't my cup of tea. I am now married to the most amazing woman and we are the proud owners of three dogs. In my lifetime, I have had many people who disagreed with my choices and my lifestyle. But what made the difference is that they spoke to me directly and not anonymously. I'm not saying that what they said to me directly didn't hurt because it did. But I had a "face" to put with whatever the objection or judgment was. Knowing who was behind those words was a comfort as some of those individuals had just as many or more issues than I did at the time. So below is one of my postings from June 2010 that I thought was helpful to me at the time but it tells me that I have a lot more to grow and learn to understand why things like the above still happen in the year of 2012. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Being Uncomfortable" Originally Posted June 2010 Recently I attended a three-day training to become a facilitator to lead inter-group dialogues planned in the fall at Smith. The issues that will be discussed are on gender, race/ethnicity and class. I participated in the race/ethnicity group dialogue and I listened to people describe how being a person of color is something they have to deal with everyday. From inappropriate comments such as “Can I touch your head?” or “Does your mother speak English?” to people just being down right nasty. OMG! What planet are these rude folks from? From the same planet that I live on and that is where the problem lies. My being “white” has never been an issue for me. But it should be. My being white does not give me a free pass to be unaware of what life is like for people of color. One of the participants mentioned that “being comfortable” in one’s white skin should not be an option. That to “be uncomfortable” would be a way to grow and stretch one’s self. And I agree. So stay tuned to find out how it feels for me to stretch my skin…

Bye Jim

Yesterday Jim died. He was 85. He left behind two sons, plus many grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He also left behind June, his wife of 63 years.

At 84, June is an amazing woman. She is quick with an intelligent response and has a much better memory than I do at 58. I was drawn to her at our Church several years ago and we slowly became close friends. She was an educated woman in an era where woman stayed home and raised their family and never ever stepped foot into the workplace. While raising her sons, she attended classes at various colleges where Jim, a Professor in Theater, taught. Once her boys were old enough, she made a career in the field of education which she did until her retirement.

She is one of the most stubborn women I’ve met in years. Though, she just pointed out to me last weekend that she feels she’s met her match in me. Of course, I disagreed with her. I decided that being considered a “pushy broad” was a more appropriate description of me.

I didn’t even know Jim had been hospitalized with pneumonia in both lungs until June called me for a ride to the hospital two weekends ago. June expected me to drop her off at the hospital after Church and just drive off. Not happening. I stayed with her and drove her back to her home after a couple of hours of visiting Jim. I kept Jim entertained with stories about our three dogs, Chloe, Fast Eddie and Chancey. Jim enjoyed the Fast Eddie stories so much that he laughed several times which isn’t easy to do when one is on oxygen.

This past Sunday, I drove June to the hospital with the promise that I would only stay for a few minutes. I’m glad I visited him that last time as I feel a certain amount of closure by doing so.

I cannot even image what June is going through right now. This is a woman who spent 63 years married to the same man. What would it feel like to lose someone you’ve spent 3/4’s of your life with? I have no clue. I truly hope that Jim’s death doesn’t shorten June’s time here on this earth. I so want to spend many more years sharing moments with her and I hope I do.